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MAY 1996 EDITION
by Tehilla Abramov and Malka Touger
Reprinted with permission from The Secret of Jewish Femininity,
Finally, it was time for the meal. The head of the
house rose from his place, removed a small crystal bell
from his pocket, and sounded it once. Servants quickly
appeared carrying trays laden with food. They graciously
served all those assembled and returned to the kitchen.
When the first course was completed, the host again
rang the bell. Servants reappeared, cleared off the tables,
and returned shortly afterward with the second course.
The same pattern was repeated each time. The host
would ring the bell and, in response, servants would bring
another course of delicacies.
Simon barely had time to savor the last bite of the
delicious dessert when his host astounded all the guests
by informing them that each one could take with him a
gift. "You may choose anything you desire--one of the
silver spoons, the crystal goblets, whatever you fancy,"
he announced.
Simon did not hesitate. One item alone had captured
his attention. "If only I had a bell like that, I would never
want for food," he thought. When Simon made his re-
quest, his host stared in disbelief. "Are you sure? There
are much more valuable things in this house. Take a
crystal goblet, a piece of silver. Why would you want the
bell?" he asked.
But Simon couldn't be swayed. When he repeated his
request, his host granted him his wish. Thanking him for
his generosity, Simon placed the bell in his pocket and
began his journey home. All along the way, he
congratulated himself on his wise choice. "Never another
worry about our next meal," he thought to himself.
Simon's wife had been anticipating his return. She
had run out of supplies, and their creditors were
hounding her to pay their long-overdue accounts. Simon, she
hoped, would be returning with both money and supplies
after having conducted business in the city.
When his wife sighted his approaching figure, she
took heart at the obviously content look on her
husband's face. "Simon, what have you brought home?" she
asked impatiently after they had greeted each other.
"Don't worry, dear wife," he assured her. "This was a
very successful trip. We'll never have to worry again. But
I'll explain everything after dinner."
"What dinner!" his wife cried in dismay. "Whatever
supplies you left ran out weeks ago. You didn't leave any
money either. How am I supposed to make you dinner?"
He confidently beckoned his wife to join him at the
table. With a serious and dignified look on his face, he
rose, reached into his pocket, took out his crystal bell,
and rang it gently.
His wife looked on in disbelief. Why would her
husband ring the bell and then turn to the kitchen in
anticipation? "What on earth is this all about?" she burst
out in frustration.
Simon only shook his head in disappointment. "I don't
understand," he mumbled to himself again and again. "It
worked so well in the rich man's house..." (Story from Dubno
Maggid).
ALL OF US occasionally make Simon's mistake of thinking we can have that which we desire without working for it. Recognizing this truth, that nothing worthwhile comes with- out effort, may make all the difference between a successful or failed marriage. A woman's fundamental hope in life is that she will have a husband who loves her. (The Steipler) There isn't a girl who doesn't grow up with dreams of love and marriage. Every woman by nature looks forward to finding a man she can love and who will love her. She follows the prescribed path to marriage but often without too much thought about the deeper significance of what she is doing. Consequently, and sometimes only a few short months after the marriage ceremony, she wakes up and realizes that for a marriage to be meaningful and satisfying--for a marriage to work--"bell ringing" is not enough. Marriage is more than a ceremony. The glamour and glitter of the wedding soon become pictures in an album, and a woman confronts the need to relate beyond herself and give genuine love to a husband and a family. It is not long before the starry-eyed and blissful bride is jolted into the realization that for her marriage to grow into a success she must find a standard of values which will help her to understand what it means to be a woman, guide her in developing realistic expectations of married life, and make her aware of the depth of commitment she must make to marriage and family in order for them to work. The story of the feminist movement in this generation is the story of women's struggle to orient themselves within a framework of such values. Women have made a courageous attempt to define their femininity and their identity within marriage and within society. They have experimented with many different approaches, some radically opposed to each other. But, today, most women still find themselves searching. Feminism desires to reevaluate the way society under stands femininity and womanhood. They declare, "We're dissatisfied with the role society has mapped out for us, and we want to arrive at a new definition." However, after more than twenty years of grappling with the issue, contemporary feminism has not offered a viable system of values. In fact, even as feminism has grown into a major force, morality has declined. The very institution of marriage is being questioned, the birth rate has plummeted, and women continue to feel that society is using and abusing them. A pediatrician who adopted traditional Jewish practices after having been raised in a secular Jewish home disclosed to a friend, "I was religious for two years before I really believed in God." Her listener was amazed: "How could you follow Torah laws if you didn't have that basic belief in God?" "I looked at families with traditional Torah homes, and I saw their lifestyle. I was impressed with the women and felt they were more in touch with themselves than my con- temporaries. Marriage wasn't a burden to them, but an expression of who they were. I became convinced that the excellent communication between husbands and wives and parents and children was a result of their Jewish practice. I wanted a home where these values could be realized. I wasn't going to allow my belief or lack of it to stand in the way." The Torah system of values has produced families regarded as the epitome of stability and happiness for thousands of years. This has proven to be true whatever the society, whatever the culture Jews have found themselves a part of. At no time has the contrast between the values Judaism stresses and those of the society around it been more pronounced than today. A look at the reasons for the skyrocketing divorce rate tells part of the story. DR. DOMEENA RENSHAW, head of the Sexual Dysfunction Clinic at Chicago's Loyola University, states that 80% of the divorces in Western society come about because of incompatibility within the couple's intimate lives. Furthermore, 50% of the couples who remain married have problems in this area. Even without these statistics we can get an idea of the problem. The proliferation of clinics, specialists, manuals, and counselors, all offering the "secret" to problem-free intimate relations, attest to the difficulty modern society has in finding the proper balance within the realm of sexual relations.
This difficulty in building a balanced approach is an out-
growth of Western society's historical inability to come to
terms with the issue of sexuality. Throughout history, we see
two basic approaches:
-the condemnation of sexuality epitomized in the asceticism of the early Christians. Sex was viewed as an expression of man's sinful nature. It must be noted that both of these approaches view woman in a disparaging manner. For the Greeks, she was a sex object to be enjoyed, and then discarded. For the Christians, woman is a temptress and source of desire. Marriage was accepted by the Christian world only as a way of controlling man's sinfulness. But the Christian ideal was and remains the celibate life. Why hasn't Western man been able to rise above this unhealthy dichotomy? Because he operates from a materialistic perspective. This is the common point uniting the above approaches. Greek hedonism embraced materialism; Christian asceticism rejected it. In contrast, Judaism operates from the view that the world is Godly, that God has vested it with an aspect of His creative potential. When we proclaim "Hear Israel, God is our Lord, God is One," we are not merely negating the existence of a second divinity; we are emphasizing how His transcendent Oneness pervades and permeates every aspect of the Creation. If this is true regarding the world at large, it must surely apply to the union between man and woman. Nachmonidies, the 12th century philosopher related, "Know that the act of union is a holy and pure matter when carried out in the proper manner, at the proper time, and with the proper intentions. A person should not think there is anything degrading or unbecoming in the act of union, God forbid." Moreover, we see that the Kabbalah, the Jewish mystical tradition, describes the union of a couple in marriage as the coming together of two half- souls. The physical union completes the expression of their total bond and, consequently, must be viewed as a Godly experience. Such a perspective adds a new dimension to the woman's role. She is an equal partner in this holy activity. Her union with her husband is an opportunity for bringing another aspect of God's oneness into the world, the culmination of the love shared between them. This is borne out by the Torah itself: "And he shall cling to his wife and they shall become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24) The idea that love is a holy affair is something intuitively understandable to a woman. In the morning, men recite the blessing "shelo asani ishah", thanking God for "not making me a woman." However, women praise Him with the blessing "she'asani kirtzono", for "making me according to His will." The commentaries explain that men recite this blessing in appreciation for the opportunity they have been given to fulfill more commandments. The Kabbalists add that the fact that women do not ask for the opportunity to perform more commandments is a reflection of their unique nature. What is the intent of the commandments or mitzvot? To train our human natures to be attuned to God's will. Men are given more mitzvot because they require more training. Women by nature do not require as much "training", because they possess a natural, intuitive connection to God's will. Surely, women's clearer understanding of God's will is reflected in her approach to sexuality. She has been granted a natural ability to appreciate marital intimacy as holy and divine. Therefore, the merely physical is often not sufficient for her. In order to function as a total woman, she must feel that intimacy is more than a physical act. It must involve her soul and provide her with deep emotional fulfillment. The 11th century commentator, Rashi, explains that women have a greater potential for sexual desire than men (Genesis 3:16). This desire is not simply for the physical activity, but for the act of holiness and love described above. This recognition of a woman's sexuality is the cornerstone of the system of values and laws referred to as Taharat HaMishpachah , the Godly system governing marital relations. The Torah describes the mitzvah of marital intimacy as onah, "a response to her," implying that a man must attune himself to his wife and her desire for holiness in the marriage. The conception of sexuality as a holy function requires that it be carried out within the context of guidelines established by God. These guidelines, the "whens" and "when nots" of Taharat HaMishpachah, follow a woman's own natural rhythms and inclinations and reflect her desire for both privacy and individuality, closeness and love. Taharat HaMishpachah is the secret of Jewish femininity. It provides a couple with a divinely ordained framework showing them how to relate to each other and express and build their love and devotion. On this sturdy foundation, they can construct a superstructure of family and home. The study of these ideas and their application within the context of our lives will help each of us discover insights which are old, for they were given by God on Mount Sinai, but new, for they are continually relevant to our lives as women and as Jews.
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