READER COMMENTS:

> I must state that I am offended and mortified by the "How to
> Stop an Intermarriage" article. As an intermarried Jewish
> woman exploring her Jewish heritage… I am disappointed
> and yet, I am not shocked. Such intolerance is symptomatic
> of many in our religion...

INNERNET COMMENTS:

InnerNet is not out to villainize every intermarried person! The article was meant to address only cases of potential intermarriage - i.e. people who hadn't actually yet become intermarried. This is an important distinction. Because before the fact, when it is always preferable for a Jew to marry a Jew, it is constructive to emphasize the pitfalls of intermarriage.

After the fact, the approach is much different: At that point, we relate to the couple with love and understanding. Not by yelling, nor by condemning. But by offering rational, relevant wisdom for living. The hope is that the non-Jewish spouse will undergo a sincere conversion, enabling the couple to build a fully Jewish home.

READER COMMENTS:

> Regarding the piece on intermarriage, it's too
> bad you don't have a "letters to the editor" page, for
> it might create a firestorm. Perhaps that's intentional.
>
> While we know that Jews marrying Jews is what we want
> and seek in the best of all worlds, relying upon any
> argument at all to achieve that is simply not ethical…
>
> Judaism has been successful in convincing large numbers
> of educated Western folk that its social values are worth
> embracing and now finds itself fighting its own values
> to perpetuate itself.

INNERNET COMMENTS:

Of course we welcome feedback with our readers! Judaism is not dogmatic preaching. Judaism is a process of self discovery - questioning, clarifying, and yes, disagreeing. We hope this email will encouraging continuing dialogue.

A numbers of readers were upset at our characterization of intermarriage as "immoral." Here a distinction must be made: Consider someone who was raised completely ignorant of their Jewish heritage, and never experienced beauty of a Shabbat dinner or a trip to Israel. If this person intermarries, we agree it is very sad, but it is not immoral.

On the other hand, consider someone who 1) understands the importance of strengthening the Jewish people, and 2) knows the statistic that 76 percent of children of intermarried couples will not identify themselves as Jewish (Brandeis University study 1990). If this person goes ahead and intermarries - with the knowledge that doing so weakens the Jewish people - then this person has indeed betrayed their own moral values.

READER COMMENTS:

> The intermarriage article was wholeheartedly unappreciated. My
> sister is married to someone is not Jewish and my other sister
> has a black boyfriend. It doesn't look like their marriage will end
> soon. If you wish to send similar messages, please do not bother
> wasting either your or my time.

INNERNET COMMENTS:

The InnerNet article took it as given that "intermarriage is not a positive development for the Jewish people." On the other hand, many readers apparently don't see anything wrong with intermarriage. So the question becomes: Which is the norm and which is the aberration? Is the opposition to intermarriage just some extremist theocratic position? Where does Judaism stand on this issue?

The Orthodox position is clear. The Torah (Deuteronomy 7:3) prohibits a Jew from intermarrying.

Perhaps more revealing is how others in the Jewish world concur. Conservative Judaism, for example, has dug in their heels on the issue of intermarriage, rebuking efforts within the movement to make it more comfortable for non-Jews to participate in synagogue life. "We are determined and committed to challenge intermarriage, rather than accept it," said a recent statement from the Conservative Rabbinical Assembly. "In the midst of our confusion and pain we should not ask of Judaism to adopt strategies which do violence to its integrity."

Conservative Judaism has issued regulations stating that only Jews may be members of Conservative congregations and affiliated organizations. Intermarriages are not to be publicly acknowledged in any official Conservative synagogue forum. Additionally, any Jew who is intermarried is barred from holding a leadership position within the Conservative movement (e.g. cantor, teacher, youth worker).

Pretty strong words from a group known for its tolerance and liberality.

The Reform Rabbis' organization, the Central Conference of American Rabbis, is no less clear on the issue: "Mixed marriage is contrary to the Jewish tradition and should be discouraged. [The Reform movement] declares its opposition to participation by its members in any ceremony which solemnizes a mixed marriage."

Across the board, Jewish America agrees on the need to discourage intermarriage.

READER COMMENTS:

> I married a non-Jew 22 years ago. He later on joined a
> Christian extremist group, kidnapped my 3 children and
> disappeared in the Eastern world. My husband's only reason
> for all he did was, "Oh, yes I love you. But you are Jewish.
> I am saved, and I will go on with the Lord." After 12 years of
> despair, I finally got 2 of my children back. They didn't even
> know they were Jews. They arrived during the Sabbath, and
> were appalled. The younger one (age 18) later embraced
> Judaism with enthusiasm. The older one joined a Baptist
> Church, and rebelled in such a way that my home is now half
> Jewish, half Gentile.
>
> And all this because I left my husband-to-be (Jewish) three
> weeks before marriage, to fall in love with a dashing Irish guy,
> who destroyed my home, my children, and my life.
> This is just a corroboration of this article - I wish someone
> with guts would have said all this to me, when all
> that mattered was the gorgeous blue of a man's eyes...

INNERNET COMMENTS:

It is a fallacy to say that intermarriage brings more people to Judaism. The Northern California Jewish Bulletin reports that largely due to intermarriage, the base of those who support Jewish causes is shrinking. While 81 percent of Jews over age 65 give to Jewish causes, only 50 percent of those under 40 contribute. Other statistics point to a greater erosion: Some 60 percent of Jews over age 55 say that most of their close friends are Jewish; for Jews ages 25-44, that number drops to 36 percent.

Rabbi Art Vernon, director of educational development for the Jewish Educational Service of North America, says: "For a minority to continue, it either needs strong boundaries that define who it is from the outside, or it needs a strong mission ideology to define it from the inside. I don't see either existing now and I question whether they will in the future."

READER COMMENTS:

> I've just read the article regarding intermarriage, and as a child
> of an intermarriage I have to react. I know that what Rabbi
> Packouz says is probably right in theory, but it upsets me and
> makes me sad to read that in his eyes my parents strong and
> loving marriage is immoral.
>
> To grow up as a child with parents of different religions is not
> necessarily a bad thing. The rabbi says it isn't fair to us, we will
> feel confused... I'm sure that some of us are confused, so are
> a lot of people when it comes to religion, it doesn't only apply to
> children of intermarriages.
>
> My brothers and I feel that growing up like this has enriched our
> lives...

INNERNET COMMENTS:

Statistics don't mean that every single person will experience what the numbers show. But based on statistics, we do get a good indication of what issues must be considered.

It's just like the government putting up road signs telling people to be careful of a dangerous curve or intersection. Of course that doesn't mean that every motorist will have an accident at that spot! But still isn't it fair and appropriate to tell people about the hazards they may encounter along the road?

The same is true with intermarriage.

Many intermarried couples say "We're going to let our children choose their own religion. When they grow up they can choose what want. That way they'll get the best of both worlds." Is this really a sensible solution?

The following question-and-answer appeared on the internet, and was written by a Reform rabbi from New Jersey:

Q: Is it possible to have a child christened and go through a bris/baby naming?

A: Honestly, no. What I mean by this is that if you are going to be truly honest with yourself, then, on many levels, you cannot have both a christening and a bris/naming.

Why do I say it this way? Because as nice as it would be for intermarried parents to be able to "cover both bases," not have to make any big decisions just yet, and provide something for all of the grandparents, having a child brought into the body of the Church in Jesus as well made part of the Covenant Community of the Jewish People is not being honest to either tradition…

As "exclusionary" as this sounds, this position is based on common sense, respect for the integrity of both Judaism and Christianity as religions with particular and distinct messages as well as what has been found through years of experience as being in the ultimate best interest of the child. Religiously speaking, children need to know who they are. They need to have a solid, unambiguous faith identity which gives them a place in the world, a spiritual tradition through which to experience the important times of life and a community of meaning, not just to know about, but to be a part of and to feel at home in. This means that, when it comes to religion, one is better than none and better than two…

There have been studies done on children raised in two traditions. (In addition, I have had discussions with many people so raised.) With few exceptions, the results indicate that it is not a good idea to raise a child in two traditions; and in some cases, it is actually cruel.

Many "dual-religion" children (some, now adults) express a great deal of anger at their parents for not having made a decision and for putting them in the middle of an issue that the parents themselves could not resolve. When a person has to choose one religion over the other, it is almost never a theoretical consideration. However evenhandedly it is presented, there is the unconscious or conscious sense that one is choosing one parent over another. (One of my ten year old daughter's friends put it this way, "When I do the Jewish stuff, my Dad gets upset. And when I do the Christian stuff, Mom gets angry.")

…Whether it plays well or not, I believe that if we lose all sense of being a distinctive people, we stand less of a chance of having a meaningful Jewish future.

READER COMMENTS:

> Thank you for your article. It really hit home. I am a Jewish
> woman married to a non-Jewish man. We love each other
> very much. We had heard that being intermarried could involve
> various cultural and emotional stresses, but things seemed
> to go pretty smoothly for us.
>
> At least until the birth of our baby boy. I was so thrilled that I
> immediately I asked my husband to arrange for a Mohel to do
> the circumcision. He looked at me like I was crazy! "What?!
> I won't allow that bloody, barbaric cult ritual!"
>
> I then explained to him how making a Brit Milah for my son
> would connect me with my grandparents and great-grandparents.
> Then he dropped the bomb. "I understand," he said. "And I'm
> sure you'll understand when I take the baby to be baptized."
>
> We're in the midst of counseling now, and I'm not sure
> the marriage is going to survive.

INNERNET COMMENTS:

Esther Perel, a therapist who counsels inter-faith couples, says in New York Magazine: "The difference isn't just between Moses and Christ. You're dealing with issues of money, sex, education, child-rearing practices, food, family relationships, styles of emotional expressiveness, issues of autonomy - all of these are culturally embedded."

Egon Mayer, a professor at Brooklyn College who studied interfaith issues and published a study linking intermarriage with higher divorce rates. In "USA Today," Mayer says: "When you bury something that is really important to you, all you're doing is building up a kind of pressure within the family relationship, which becomes a source of tension, which ultimately becomes a time bomb. If there's any reason why intermarriages break up, it's because of that time bomb."

READER COMMENTS:

> Lots of Jews marry or are in long term relationships with
> non-Jews who support their partner's religious and cultural
> identity and who often convert to Judaism themselves.
> Love does overcome all obstacles, and Jews who choose to
> love non-Jews or Jews-by-choice are still loved unconditionally
> by G-d. Too bad your article neglects to mention this.

INNERNET COMMENTS:

Of course G-d loves all of His creation. Every human being has a pure, divine soul, which in its essence can never be tainted.

But there's a greater issue at stake.

The tragedy facing American Jewry is not the high rates of intermarriage per se. That is just a symptom of a greater ill. The fact is that vast numbers of Jews are strangers to their own heritage. We would venture to say that the average Jewish college student can tell you who was the mother of Jesus, but does not know who was the mother of Moses. He can probably name 5 major league baseball teams, but couldn't name 5 of the 12 Tribes. He could tell you who composed "Stairway to Heaven," but not who composed the Biblical "Song of Songs."

Marianne Williamson, the New Age spiritualist, was raised in an assimilated Jewish home. She says: "I've said many times that if the mystical aspects of [Judaism] - the true, deep, spiritual truth of my religion - had been taught me, I'd probably be a rabbi today. But it was not taught me… I said to my mother that I went to God in spite of my religious education. I don't remember even a conversation in Sunday school about prayer or about talking to God… I was never turned off to Judaism, I was just never invited in the room deep enough to know the fruits were there." (From the book, "Powerful Prayers," by Larry King)

Kirk Douglas once said, "If your education stopped at your Bar Mitzvah, then you're going through the rest of your life with a 13-year-old's view of Judaism. How tragic!"

READER COMMENTS:

> I appreciated your article on Intermarriage. However,
> I must take issue with your argument that intermarriage
> is not a good idea because it robs one's children of a
> clear identity as members of one group, namely Jews
> or Christians. I think you'll agree that the best way to
> raise our children is to teach them to be open-minded
> and to base their decisions on clear, rational thinking
> and hard, unarguable facts; not simply to believe in
> Judaism or Christianity because that is what their
> ancestors believed in. It is best to question rather
> than accept things a priori because others (even
> many others) claim that they are true…

INNERNET COMMENTS:

We believe the Jewish people have a contribution to make to humanity and are therefore an important species to preserve. And everyone agrees that intermarriage dilutes the strength of the Jewish people.

But the beauty and depth of Judaism is somehow not being communicated to young Jews today.

Leonard Fine, a Reform Jewish writer and activist, says: "I think the principle problem is not assimilation or intermarriage. It's boredom. The fact is that being Jewish is a boring experience for many Jews who are incapable of finishing this sentence: 'It is important that Jews survive in order to…'" (New York Magazine, July 14, 1997)

Rabbi Noah Weinberg, dean and founder of Aish HaTorah, offers an answer to the question of "Why be Jewish?" He says:

"Our very own Torah contains effective tools for: How to give and how to receive… When to be strict and when to be compassionate… Individual rights versus communal responsibility… How to show appreciation and respect… When to lead and when to follow… Balancing family and career… The boundaries of modesty in actions and in dress… How to listen and converse effectively… Whether for religious and secular, Israel or the diaspora, left or right, the Torah is alive and relevant for today."

Judaism is the precious heritage of every Jew. It is a system for living that has thrived for 3000 years — against every possible obstacle. Intermarriage cuts that chain. To treat this causally is - for the individual, the Jewish community, and the world - the tragedy of intermarriage.