The rate of intermarriage is over 50 percent, and for the Jewish people this represents a national tragedy. We all know someone who is intermarried, and maybe we were even in a position to say something before it was too late. But what could we say? When "love" is in the air, how can any rational argument make an impact?

In the following essay, we'll examine practical methods for how to stop an intermarriage.

THE ODDS ARE AGAINST IT

Have you ever heard someone who is planning to intermarry, say: "But we love each other!"

Here's an effective response:

"In our society, romantic love is considered a sufficient basis for marriage. Yet the fact is that 50% of American marriages end in divorce. You know some of those couples: very nice people, intelligent, sensible, idealistic. But they end up divorced. You can wind up divorced, too.

"If you were going into a business and had a three-times better chance of succeeding with a different partner, you would look for him. Of course you take chances every day, but with marriage you can do something about the odds. Life is too important to take unnecessary risks.

"Putting aside economic considerations, marriages often break up over petty things: they do not like the same television programs, he slurps his soup. Sometimes there are non-discernible factors that create tensions. And sometimes there are irretrievable actions or remarks.

"So what will come between you? No one knows. It takes a lot of wisdom to have a successful marriage. The world has known for ages that Jews have happy marriages and low divorce rates. Find out what your religion says about marriage and life.

"Of course, a person can do only what is right for himself. What I am asking you is to know the pertinent information before you make a decision. Every person knows he can be making a mistake. "You say, 'If it is a mistake, I want to make it myself and I will learn from it.' But I really do not think it is up to you to decide whether it is a mistake or not. Of course, no one can make decisions for you. But when I was growing up there was a saying, 'A fool learns by his own mistakes, a wise man learns from the mistakes of others.' Do you want to learn from your own mistake - after you ruin your life and her life? After two children whose home is torn out from under them?"

THE ISSUE OF LOVE

In order to get the potential intermarried couple thinking, try to get them understand their relationship and the nature of love.

Start by asking them if there is a difference between romantic love (infatuation) on the one hand and real love on the other. They will agree there is a difference.

Then ask them, "How can one tell the difference between real love and infatuation?" If you can get them to see that they are unsure or confused about the meaning of love, then tell them, "Postpone things until you learn more about life and love. Don't make such a decisive break with your people for something that may very well be infatuation!"

Ask each in turn: "What is love?" It is very likely they will say that they cannot define it: i.e. "It is beyond definition" or "To define it is to lose it." Then ask them, "Do you want to marry someone who doesn't know what he means when he says, 'I love you?!'

"It is important for you to know what the Torah says about love and about marriage. Torah teaches us that love is seeing the virtue in another person. If you ask a father if he loves his son even though he is a thief, he will answer, "Sure, it is not his fault. He's just in bad company." No matter what fault the son has, the father still loves him. Why? The father focuses on his son's good points.

"The same is true with love in marriage. We are taught that love of one's spouse comes only through focusing on the virtues. Consequently, the love one develops in marriage is far different and far stronger than romantic love.

"With all of this emphasis on love, it is important to realize that love is not the only significant factor in a marriage. As Rabbi Jacob J. Hecht states, 'Love is essential to a marriage; a loveless marriage is barren and unstable. But much more is needed. Marriage represents a bond, an attempt at social continuity and family security, a concern for the past and a hope for the future. That bond must be cemented not only with love, but also with commonality of purpose and a sharing of goals and ideals. Intermarriage between two people of different faiths robs that bond of much of its commonality, unless the religious differences are submerged or erased entirely.'"

THE CHILDREN FACTOR

Another common statement: "We're going to let our children choose their own religion. When they grow up they can choose what want, religion or no religion. To push a religion on will confuse them."

An effective response:

"If you were marrying a Jew, wouldn't you bring up the children to identify as Jews? Just as you feel good about being a Jew, wouldn't you want to give your children the opportunity to feel the same way? Do you think that by bringing them up without religion and God, you are giving them a fair chance? There is no such thing as raising children in a vacuum. There is no neutral ground. Your opinions are your children's heritage. They are recognized as Christians among Jews and as Jews among Christians. Is that a nice heritage?

"These children never have anything to accept or reject - only contradictory input: 'We will celebrate various religious holidays, but there is no God. One grandmother has an Xmas tree. The other has a menorah. Some cousins go to Hebrew school and other cousins study the Catechism. Confusion!

"Imagine the identity crisis. When your child asks you what he is, what will you tell him? Will you say facetiously, 'A vegetarian?' Do you want your children to be confused 'What-are-we's?' It is unfair to your child. And if he develops any problems in social adjustment, you the parent will look at it as stemming from the mixed marriage and blame yourself. It will be very difficult for you.

"If you are sincere about letting them choose their own religion, do you know what you are letting yourself in for? Can you imagine your son or daughter becoming a religious Jew or Christian? (There are children of intermarriages who do become religious.) What will such a religious child think of you? If he turns to Judaism, you will be regarded as a traitor for having intermarried! And if he becomes Christian, you will be looked at as a heretic for denying the faith!"

THE MORAL IMPERATIVE

The statement is made: "But I don't see anything wrong with intermarriage."

When young men or women are in love they seldom consider the morality of what they are doing. You must help them focus on this issue.

The first question to ask is a simple one. Begin by explaining that a young person can have one of two outlooks if he decides to marry a non-Jew: either he knows that it is immoral and does not care, or he thinks that there is nothing wrong with his actions.

Ask him: "Would you go ahead and marry a non-Jew if you realized it is immoral?"

His answer will most probably be "No!" (People do not want to be immoral.)

Now ask the second question: "What do you think is better - to commit an immoral act thinking to yourself that it is the right thing to do, or to commit an immoral act knowing it is immoral?"

Most people will say that it is better not to know it is immoral. You have to illustrate to him that this is not so. Bring an example: "Who do you think is better off - a man who knows it is wrong to steal yet steals anyway, or a man who says I don't care about my fellow man; I'll keep stealing as long as I can get away with it!'"

Show him that deluding oneself about immorality is a terrible obstacle to any type of proper living.

Now ask him a third question: "If there is something immoral about marrying a non-Jew, would you be interested in knowing why?" (Most people will answer, "Yes.")

"OK, let's try to look at this objectively. In order to be objective, we will instead talk about Jake and Jill. One is a Jew, the other is a non-Jew, and they want to get married. The questions we will ask Jake are: 'Do you realize that you are breaking with 200 generations of Jews? Do you have a good reason? Have you inquired about the heritage you are leaving?' What if he answers, 'I never thought about it; I have not considered inquiring.' Is that a point against Jake?

"Jake's not considering the issue is obviously being immoral. Morality means proper behavior. Is it proper without even a hearing for Jake to turn his back on 200 generations of Jews who went into creating him? They deserve at least that small degree of loyalty to command a hearing!

"If you ask Jake, 'Even if you marry a non-Jew, do you want the Jewish people end?' "(Likely he will answer for Jake, "No.")

Continue: "Everyone agrees that it is wrong, even immoral, to aid in the destruction of an 'endangered species,' either actively or through indifference. If every Jew will do as Jake is doing, that is the end for the Jewish people; we are finished. Isn't that wrong? It is a terrible thing to aid in the destruction of a people which contributes so much to the civilization of the world. If it's not good for every other Jew, why are you different? If it is wrong for everyone else, it is wrong for you, too."

Suppose he agrees that it is morally wrong, yet says he does not care and will marry her anyway. Then ask the following questions:

"You mean you will follow your desires even if what you want to do is morally wrong?" (He has to say, "Yes.") Then continue, "Well, what kind of life are you going to have? If it is your desires you follow, are you planning abandon your wife and children when the impulse drives you? Would you tell your fiancée that you are immoral? Would you marry her if she told you that she was immoral - that she did not care about right or wrong and will do what she desires? A marriage based an immoral act has a weak foundation. What can two people who are embarking on an immoral venture expect from each other in terms to fulfillment of the many obligations necessary for a happy marriage? Are these the values you wish to impart to your children?"

THE "I DON'T CARE" ATTITUDE

The statement is made: "I know what I'm doing, and I don't care about the Jewish people."

Now's the time to share the "Barbecue Story:"

"Do you know that people do not always understand what they treasure? I'll give an example: A man decided to have a family barbecue. He was concerned that his brothers and sisters would offer excuses and say they were too busy to come, as they had previously done. So he sent along a note to each one saying, 'If you are not coming to see me while I am alive, then don't bother coming to my funeral.' All of them showed up for the barbeque!

"What is the psychology behind this? We feel that we do not have time for our relatives. But once they die we realize how important they were to us, and we say, 'If only I had made the time…'

"A step further. You may know people who were not on speaking terms with a brother or son. The brother or son dies. It cuts them to pieces. You may have had a friend who was on the outs with his father and his father died. He at times may have thought that he wanted his father dead. Yet, the father's death crushes him.

"The same is true of every Jews' relationship with the Jewish people. During the Six Day War (or the Gulf War), Jews came out of the woodwork: Jews by the name of O'Reilly, who were posing as Gentiles. What brought them back? Nobody pulled them by the hair and said, 'Come!' But they heard Jews were going to be annihilated, and they realized they cared.

"Do you care? You care! The Jewish people is a value that you want to preserve. It is not merely to save lives or your love for particular individuals. It is part of you. Are you willing to die for the Jewish people? Then go find a Jewish girl you can live for! Your children will be Jewish and your posterity will be part of the people for which you are willing to die.

"Are you proud of being a Jew? In this world, everyone knows he must go back to his roots. Look at the African American. He wants to be proud of his ancestors; he wants to know about his culture. Now, he does not want a white person teaching Black Studies; nor does he want an 'Uncle Tom' teaching it. He wants someone who feels, acts, and dresses with Black Pride. He wants authenticity speaking about his roots.

" You are proud of being a Jew. But you don't know about Judaism; you haven't studied the Torah. We have changed the world: philosophy, law, the idea of universal education, a concept of world peace ('beat your swords into plowshares'). We have done it. A little people like ours has changed the world! A book Moses wrote down 3,300 years ago has civilized humanity.

"Where did you pick up your Jewish information from? From a Catholic society? From Newsweek magazine? From an 'Uncle Jake?' Get an exposure to Jewish pride from someone who believes in the authentic article, who keeps the 613 mitzvahs (obligations of a Jew) and is proud to wear a kipah!" Go to a class, a Shabbat experience, or visit Israel - the birthplace of it all. Before you go ahead and marry a non-Jew, at least give your heritage a fair hearing!"