PART TWO

DAMAGE LET LOOSE

Even in the most seemingly meaningless chatter, the words that pass between people work powerful changes on them and within them. What a person says, what he hears and what others say about him can surely change the course of his life, and even alter his substance. To see this at work, one must zoom in closely and watch. Like the time-lapse photography that shows a flower blooming, the activity of words in our world is indiscernible from minute to minute, but shows up with startling clarity when viewed over time.

Loshon Hara diminishes its victim in the eyes of others. That could mean a lost job or business opportunity, a wounded or ruined marriage, a feud among friends or neighbors, a devalued reputation. Once spoken, the words carve their own path, destroying in ways the speaker can never predict.

As damaging as Loshon Hara can be to the external factors of another person's life, it has the even more disastrous potential for demolishing a person's interior landscape. The self-image is a malleable entity. People pick up clues as to their own worth through the way others treat them. If they receive honor, they feel honorable. If they are ignored, they feel invisible. That is why, when Loshon Hara reaches back to its subject, the harm it does is so severe.

For the disparaging words to reach back to the subject, it isn't necessary that there be a direct report of what was said and who said it. It can become obvious in an indirect way, by the changed manner in which others treat him. Either way, his vision of himself is altered. Another person has essentially reached inside this person and robbed him of some aspect of his self-image. Something inside him is gone.

NEGATIVE SPEECH - THE ATTRACTION

Loshon Hara reflects the belief that everyone and everything should conform to one's own standard. It arises out of an intolerance of differences between oneself and others - someone else's customs as opposed to one's own, someone else's opinion as opposed to one's own, someone else's financial approach as opposed to one's own. The underlying basis for focusing on these differences is the sense that one's own way is the right way.

It is the egocentric need to assert the superiority of one's own way of doing things, which is, at its heart, a denial of the uniqueness with which God has endowed each human being. That is the mechanics of Loshon Hara.

The speaker of Loshon Hara is motivated by this very powerful human need to feel important. So, he sets himself up as the other person's superior by standing in judgment. "The other person is bad. Therefore, I am better. Her children are rude, therefore mine are polite. His business is mismanaged, therefore mine is well run."

Instead of striving honestly to lift himself, the speaker of Loshon Hara attains his height by looking down upon those he has cast to the ground.

Loshon Hara bequeaths to one's children a discontented attitude toward life. Through their parents' example, they learn to become critical and cynical, a lesson that will color every relationship in their lives.

DAMAGE DONE

Loshon Hara coarsens the speaker. Without looking any further into Loshon Hara's destructive power, the Torah proscribes it for one overriding, basic reason. Demeaning others is self-demeaning.

Moreover, Loshon Hara breeds unhappiness in the speaker. The momentary gratification of engaging in gossip is far outweighed by the damage Loshon Hara does to one's perception of the world. A speaker of Loshon Hara trains himself in bitterness and complaining. In his eyes, he is surrounded by irritating, inconsiderate, flawed people who make his world a disappointing, uncomfortable place. He makes it his habit to look past the Godly image, and gaze intently at his every flaw. His perceptions fill his heart with anger and disdain, and his mouth gives form and life to those feelings.

THE JOY OF CAREFUL SPEECH

Careful speech increases the level of mutual respect among one's friends, family and co-workers. By focusing on the good in others, one illuminates it and highlights it for everyone to see.

As the Midrash says: "Just as people's faces don't resemble each other, so too their thought processes. don't resemble each other." (Bamidbar Rabbah 21:2)

Careful speech is the prism through which one can see the validity in the various paths and opinions among well-meaning people. Even without agreeing or seeing the value of someone else's way of thinking, one can accept it as valid.

Careful speech instills in children confidence in the fundamental goodness of the world and other people. They learn to judge others favorably, forming a habit that enhances every relationship in their lives. And they develop the character traits that will equip them for every lifetime endeavor.

One who adheres to careful speech elevates himself in a real way, even while he elevates all those around him... In place of the illusory power conferred by becoming the source of gossip, the person who guards his speech builds real power. This is the power of self-discipline, the knowledge that one has control over his impulses, that he has the inner strength to restrain himself, measure his words and act in accordance with the highest aspects of himself.

TOOL OF PEACE

Every person seeks peace. Everyone wants a harmonious home, pleasant relations with friends and colleagues and a calm, peaceful heart. Our Sages state that peace is the ultimate blessing, the container in which all other blessings are held. Nothing is whole, nothing is perfect unless it is accompanied by peace. That is why many important Jewish prayers end with a request for peace.

Careful speech is the means God has given us with which to pursue peace with one another. When greeting an acquaintance, words can make that person feel sincerely acknowledged. When asking a child, a spouse or a colleague to perform a task, the words and tone can make the individual feel needed and appreciated. When it becomes necessary to reproach someone, words can convey loving concern for his welfare. And when speaking to someone who is facing difficulties, words can make him feel understood and supported.

One needs no extra time or money to devote to it. It's a mitzvah that can be performed in almost every conversation, every day of one's life. Simply by becoming aware of the words and tone of voice one uses, by tuning in to the needs of the people to whom one speaks, a person can generate immeasurable good into this world.

To find out more about programs in your area on the topic of Loshon Hara, contact the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation at 1-800-867-2482, FAX 914-352-3605, or write to 6 Melnick Drive, Monsey NY 10952 USA.