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FEBRUARY 2000 EDITION
by Miriam Levi
Reprinted from ”EFFECTIVE JEWISH PARENTING”
The view to be given here is that, while it is certainly best to rely on praise and other verbal reinforcement to influence children to behave well, rewards do have their place. They do motivate children and encourage them. However, they should be used only to get children to conform to basic behavioral requirements, such as keeping a neat room or getting to bed on time. They should not be used to induce children to do household chores, such as washing the dishes or taking the garbage out.
Some people question the use of rewards or prizes to encourage good behavior because they think it is a form of bribery. This is a mistake. A bribe, properly defined, is a prize or inducement offered someone in order to pervert his judgment or corrupt his conduct. A reward can be called a bribe only if our intention is to pervert or corrupt.
Another objection to rewards as incentives is that they accustom the child to always expect rewards for good behavior. The assumption here - that the child will continue to perform good deeds for inferior motives - is a false one. The Talmud teaches, "A person should always fulfill Torah and mitzvot even if he does so for ulterior motives - because he will eventually come to do them for their own sake."
We should never lose sight of the ideal. As our sages describe it, "Do not be like servants who serve their master for the sake of receiving a reward, but be rather like servants who serve their master without the intention of receiving a reward."
Ultimately, good behavior will bring its own rewards. But children, who may not yet have experienced that intrinsic satisfaction which good behavior brings, may need our help in getting such behavior started. Rewards are simply a way to initiate a child into better behavior.
TYPES OF REWARDSRewards, of course, need not necessarily mean material rewards. A trip to a favorite spot can be a reward; so can the privilege to stay up late, or even to bake a cake. Whatever a child finds enjoyable can be used as reinforcement. Being allowed to play with some special toy or game can work well. By observing what a child normally enjoys doing, we can pick reinforcers that will be effective for him. Incentives, however, tend to lose their effectiveness if parents keep reminding the child about them. They will then be seen by the child as just another form of pressure to get him to behave as we want. Parents have to be careful to keep themselves emotionally detached from the situation. The point system is popular with many parents. The child is told which behavior he will be rewarded for; a chart for accumulation of points is posted in a conspicuous spot. When a certain amount of points have been accumulated, the child can trade these in for some prize - anything from a book or small toy to a mechanical pencil. Allow the child to choose the item he wishes. Prizes can be purchased and shown to the child beforehand. The reward can be non-material as well. “Star charts” can be very reinforcing for young children. A star (let the child pick the color) is glued on every time, for instance, that the child makes his bed. No other reward is necessary. As an example of an innovative reinforcement system, suppose you want to teach your children not to leave their belongings scattered all over their room. Each child is given a small sum in the morning; but for every item found lying carelessly on the floor by evening (clothing, books, etc.) the child must give up a certain amount. Alternately, to prevent arguing, parents might decide to keep the money for the child and give it to him in the evening, minus whatever is forfeited.
DRAWBACKS TO REWARDSThere are some serious drawbacks to using rewards. While they may initially produce good results, they tend to lose their effectiveness with time. Also, sooner or later, rewards must be discontinued. There is then the danger that the child will fall back into his old behavior patterns. To mitigate these shortcomings, rewards should be gradually discontinued when the new habits have been firmly established. For example, if the child has been getting something special in his lunchbox for making his bed, the mother can say, "I don't think you need treats for making your bed anymore. But I'll give you a surprise in your lunchbox sometimes anyway." It's all part of effective Jewish parenting.
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