|
JANUARY 2000 EDITION
by Avraham Peretz Friedman
Reprinted with permission from
Published by Targum Press, Inc.
It is telling that the very first sin in human history was committed (according to some commentators) because of a lack of communication between the first husband and wife. The Creator forbade eating from the Tree of Knowledge, but Adam, in relating the Almighty's prohibition to his wife, forbade her to eat from “or touch” the Tree. He neglected to mention that the prohibition against touching the tree was a safety measure he had enacted to protect God's commandment.
The snake shrewdly capitalized on this failure in communication. He showed Eve that no danger resulted from touching the tree. Therefore, he reasoned, why not eat from it as well? The snake's argument seemed convincing to Eve, since she did not know that God had only forbade eating from the tree, not touching it. Adam failed to properly communicate the distinction between God's directive and his own enactment. (see Genesis 3:1-3)
1) GOOD COMMUNICATION IS MOSTLY GOOD LISTENING. Learn how to listen to your spouse. Sometimes you have to go beyond and behind what you hear. The words you are hearing and what your spouse is trying to communicate to you are not always the same. For example, a rapid-fire string of complaints about a lot of inconsequential things you may have done – things which usually go unnoticed, about which he does not comment or care about in normal times - might indicate that your spouse is unhappy for some reason and is venting some anger or frustration, or is sending out a cry for help. The wrong thing to do is get muddled up in those misleading complaints. Identify and help solve that other problem, and the string of complaints will disappear by itself. Don't invoke this principle universally, however, dismissing every complaint that comes your way as a symptom of some other problem that is distressing your partner. Be honest. With time - and mistakes, it's true - you can learn how to distinguish between real complaints and the “distress signal" variety.
It is dangerous to keep problems bottled up inside. They will "eat away at you," with disastrous results (God forbid). Even a relatively small problem, if left unattended, can smolder, become magnified over time, and assume proportions far beyond what reality would dictate. Express - force yourself, if necessary, to express – hurts and issues as you experience them. (Of course, it is never wise to discuss an emotional issue in the heat of the moment. Wait until the initial displeasure has subsided and, in a calm moment, resolve the problem as quickly and as coolly as possible.) But within reason. Don't be a "kvetcher." Don't make a big deal over every little slight - real or imagined - to your precious honor. Know when to "let it go."
If either of you does not communicate your feelings easily, naturally, and spontaneously, then consider setting fixed times for talking - weekly or daily "rap sessions," so to speak. How often you schedule your sessions should depend on your individual needs. These meetings might be informal and free-wheeling, or "structured" - for example, each partner might be required to volunteer "one thing you did today (this week) which I appreciated" in order to lubricate communication, until communicating becomes a natural part of your repertoire.
comments and questions © 2000 Heritage House |
