Marriage is a vital component of the Jewish community. It should come as no surprise that Jewish law has much to say about it. Jewish laws on intimacy between husband and wife can enhance the marital relationship--especially now when the institution of marriage is in serious crisis.

Unfortunately, these laws do not get good press.

The Jewish laws governing the conjugal relationship are generally called taharat ha'mishpacha legislation. Taharat ha'mishpacha translates literally as "the purity of the family." It is a description more of a theme than of the laws involved.

The laws, in brief, proscribe conjugal relations for not less than five days from the onset of menstruation, and, following the cessation of the menstrual flow, for another seven consecutive days when no menstrual presence is detected. Following that, the wife immerses in a specially constructed and filled pool of water called a mikveh. After immersion, conjugal relations are resumed.

These rules are primarily for the wife. They are more taharat ha'isha, "purity of the woman," than purity of the family. The thematic description of these rules as taharat ha'mishpacha contains a message that should not be lost on the husband, the couple, or the community.

The major onus of the laws rests on the woman. Taharat ha'mishpacha as a process, though, enhances and uplifts the entire family. The husband and wife, and their children -- the spiritual-biological extensions of their union--can all benefit.

The husband dare not remove himself from being involved in the obligations of his wife. Emotional support and encouragement, understanding, and appreciation of her dedication, are just some of the ways he can show his wife that she is not alone. By doing this, the husband confirms that the rules and their benefits are for the family.

An explanation of the concept of tahara is in order. The translation of tahara as "purity" is inaccurate and misleading, or at best incomplete.(1) A woman in a menstrual state is not unclean, or impure; she is tmaea. There is no English word to adequately convey what tameh (the masculine form of tmaea) means. When one is tameh, one is in a state of limbo, not yet ready to assume or resume certain interactional relations. This is a contemplative state, when one focuses on the inner causes and implications of the tameh condition. Invariably, the state of being tameh arises from the loss of life potential, as in the case of menstruation, or from having direct contact with or being in the immediate proximity of death.(2)

Immersion in a mikveh at the culmination of the tameh state signifies reentry into interactional life, energized by the contemplation that took place during the period of separateness. The mikveh is filled with water that was never drawn in a receptacle-- water that was never limited by human use. Mikveh water is God's water taking its shape and initiating its usefulness in the mikveh itself.

The person who immerses in the mikveh is symbolically surrounded by life, by water, in its pristine and spiritual sense. The wife emerges from the mikveh ready and eager to resume spiritually creative intimacy with her husband, to shape life together. This ready eagerness is called tahara .

The purpose for the biblically mandated separation during the menstrual period and the week following is clearly enunciated in the Talmud. It is to recreate the excitement and thrill of the wedding night for the husband and wife.(3)

The law actually effects a renewal, a monthly emotional reunion. This helps prevent the relationship from becoming routinized.(4)

According to the Talmud, the separation during the menstrual period is an affirmation, not a denial, of the marital bond. The purpose of the enforced separation is to enhance togetherness. The purpose of the menstrual laws is to enable a more intense intimacy.(5)

Several other benefits accrue from this sensitive complex of rules. The husband (who is generally more likely to be overcome by sensual pressure) is programmed to adjust his needs to his wife's availability.

The wife does not have to impose the discipline of her schedule. The Torah does it for her. The law inculcates respect for the wife, for her dignity as the person entrusted with control of the rhythm of family life.

Another benefit is the significant minimization of the possibility that the couple will argue that one partner is not responsive enough to the sensual needs of the other. The obligation of responsiveness is clearly delineated. Potential conflict arising from uncoordinated desires is minimized because waiting the prescribed period of two weeks is an effective way to correlate moods and desire.

This is not to suggest that the taharat ha'mishpacha rules guarantee blissful happiness for the couple. There is still plenty of room to create and solve problems. The halakha (Jewish Law) establishes the marital framework, but does not legislate all the nuances within it.(6)

Legislating all the nuances would ruin the excitement and openness the halakha itself endeavors to create. Under normal circumstances, however, the couple who lives by the letter and intent of the taharat ha'mishpacha regulations cannot help but be better off for it.

The community, too, is much better off with happy couples. This is so much the case that building a mikveh takes precedence over building a synagogue or writing a Torah scroll for a community.(7) The foundation of happy committed families comes first. The rest follows.

Long-Range Benefits

There are also some long-range benefits from these regulations. The couple, accustomed over the years to periods of physical separateness, will be better able to adjust to their later years when sensuality, although still present, is usually not as intense.(8)

Taharat ha'mishpacha has embedded itself in the collective Jewish psyche. Through practicing it, the Jew has learned to endure momentary frustration for the sake of fulfillment in the future. The Jew does not demand instant gratification. He can cope as long as there is hope for the future.

This discipline has helped the Jew endure excruciating pain, trauma, and tragedy because of the messianic belief that salvation will eventually come. Trained to wait, the Jewish people has been able to persevere.(9)

The Emotional Dimension that Makes it Work

Taharat ha'mishpacha is not free of difficulty. Aside from the natural difficulty of being together with but apart from the one you love, the separation itself comes at a time when the wife needs her husband's support. The couple should realize that physical separation should in no way be an excuse for total withdrawal.(10)

Although physical intimacy during the separation period is not possible, emotional intimacy is both possible and highly desirable.(11) With physical relations out of the question, the couple can and should put their energies into developing a caring relationship. This is an ideal time to comprehend what the other person is going through and feeling. It is a good opportunity to work on improving aspects of the relationship.(12)

The couple who effectively uses the separation period to prepare for a greater, more meaningful togetherness will come to view the night of immersion as more than a physical reunion. For them, it is a festival of its own, an event to be celebrated.(13) And for us, it is a marriage to be emulated.

FOOTNOTES:

(1) See Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Dea 201:3; Maimonides, Mishneh Torah, Hilkhot Mikvaot 4:12. See further Norman Lamm, A Hedge of Roses: Jewish Insights into Marriage and Married Life (New York: Feldheim, 1966) pages 84-89. See also Aryeh Kaplan, Waters of Eden: The Mystery of the mikveh (New York: National Conference of Synagogue Youth, Union of Orthodox Jewish Congregations of America, 1976) pages 45-46.
(2) See Maimonides, Mishneh Torah, Hilkhot Mikvaot 11:12; also Rabbi Barukh Yashar, Le'Bat Yisrael B'Gil Ha'Nisuin (Jerusalem: Weinfeld Press, 1972) pages 9-10. See also the incisive piece by Norman Lamm, "Jewish Mothers" in The Royal Reach: Discourses on the Jewish Tradition and the World Today (New York: Feldheim, 1970) pages 291-302.
(3) Talmud Nida 31b. Rebbe Meir is assertive and precise in his language in stating that the reason for the separation is to recreate the wedding night excitement. There is no need to mitigate the impact or lessen the significance of his words. See also Leo (Yehudah) Levi, Man and Woman: The Torah Perspective (Jerusalem, Ezer La'Yeled, 1979) page 10.
(4) See Lamm, page 55. Also, Jane Appleton and William Appleton, How Not to Split Up (New York: Berkeley Books, 1979) page 13. One of the leading causes of marital boredom is clinging to rigid routine.
(5) In John Gottman, et al., A Couple's Guide to Communication (Champaign, Illinois: Research Press, 1976) the point is made that in a good relationship there are cycles of closeness and apartness. A couple needs breathing room, separateness, and independence. A perpetually intense intimacy is unrealistic (page 147).
(6) On problems that may arise because of adherence to taharat ha'mishpacha, see Norman Fertel and Esther Feuer, "Treating Marital and Sexual Problems in the Orthodox Jewish Community" in Journal of Psychology and Judaism (Volume 5, Number 2, Spring-Summer 1981) pages 85-94. See also Ruben Schindler, "Counseling Hassidic Couples: The Cultural Dimension" in Journal of Psychology and Judaism (Volume 8, Number 1, Fall-Winter 1983) pages 52-61.
(7) This is the ruling of the Chafets Chayyim in Sefer Bet Yisrael. See Rabbi Menahem Zaks, editor, Kol Kitvey Chafets Chayyim Ha'Shalem (New York: Friedman, 1952) Volume 1, pages 25-26.
(8) See Samson Raphael Hirsch's commentary on Leviticus 20:18. In later years, sensuality may not be as intense, but it is there. This is implicit in Ecclesiastes 11:6. See also Talmud Yevamot 62b and Moed Katan 9b.
(9) The gist of this idea is found in Raphael Patai, The Jewish Mind (New York: Scribner's, 1977) pages 502-504.
(10) See Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex (New York: Knopf, 1953) pages 27-29 on conjugal relations during the menstrual period. Also, Rachel Neriah, Happiness in Married Life (Jerusalem: Central Committee fortaharat ha'mishpachain Israel, no date) pages 21-26.
(11) On the need for emotional intimacy see Aryeh Kaplan, Made in Heaven (New York: Moznaim, 1983) page 46.
(12) Samson Raphael Hirsch on Leviticus 20:18 speaks of times when husband and wife are like brother and sister.
(13) In Jewish communities like Tunisia and Morocco, the night of immersion was indeed a celebration, including a wedding-like festive meal.

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