Do everything you can not to embarrass your spouse or put him or her on the spot. There is no need to point out every single error and mistake. If a mistake is likely to be repeated or needs to be corrected, it is important to point it out, but even then do it with finesse. In many situations, the mistake is a one-time error and there is absolutely no need to point it out. If there is a healthy relationship between husband and wife and both have high self-esteem, this is not an issue. But there are many marriages in which pointing out mistakes is the primary focus of communication, and this causes much distress.

Don't criticize small and irrelevant mistakes unless you know that your husband or wife will appreciate it. Some partners constantly correct the other's grammar, choice of words, and patterns of speech. If you find someone's grammar or pattern annoying, correct it in a way that enables the other person to feel good. Don't do it in a way that sounds like an attack on the intelligence and competency of your husband or wife.

I interviewed a retired American Rabbi who settled in Jerusalem, not far from most of his married children and grandchildren. I asked him about the first thought that comes to mind when he thinks about an important principle for marriage.

"Don't say everything that comes to your mind," he said.

In contrast, someone who got divorced responded to my question about personal qualities or patterns that led to divorce, saying, "I believe strongly in the importance of saying everything I feel. If I don't like something, I consider it dishonest not to express my thoughts frankly and bluntly. We would have had a good marriage except for the fact that my wife was so weak. She couldn't take hearing the truth. She kept telling me to keep my critical remarks to myself. But she's wrong. I was hoping that she would become stronger, but she quit the marriage instead. She's a coward and afraid to face herself."

Here is one women's report of how positive speech patterns saved her marriage:

My spouse and I frequently became embroiled in fiery quarrels. We would both say things to each other that we would be embarrassed to repeat to any of our friends or relatives. Our verbal battles were replete with lethal weapons of speech.

We decided that we needed to consult a third party to learn how to speak to each other without such intense verbal battles.

The person we spoke to tried a number of approaches to influence us to change the way we tried to resolve our differences. At the sessions we spoke respectfully to each other. But once we got home, we again insulted and attacked each other with our verbal weapons.

The counselor suggested a homework assignment that proved to be highly effective. He told us, "I thought of an idea that will help you change your patterns. I want both of you to transcribe word for word what the other person says when you quarrel. We will then discuss the contents of what you have written at our next meeting."

We carried out the homework according to the instructions we were given. After doing this for an entire week, we only needed one more session with the counselor.

Whoever was transcribing word for word what the other one said had to keep requesting that the speaker speak slower. Seeing your spouse writing down each word you say makes you think a little bit more objectively about your communication. Also, speaking slower prevents you from spewing forth angry words.

When we met with the counselor to read what we had written, he suggested ways we could "edit" what we had said. He told us to keep asking for what we wanted and to express our opinions in a way that is both self-respecting and respectful of each other.

Seeing your words transcribed is a great reminder of the Mishnah in Pirkei Avos which says that all of our deeds and words are written in an eternal book. Politicians and diplomats are much more careful with what they say when reporters are present. My spouse and I became each other's reporters. We agreed to have weekly meetings together to discuss the written highlights of the week. The caustic barbs ended. Our meetings were transformed into conversations between a young couple who care deeply for each other. My most thrilling "report" was when I quoted my spouse as saying, "I think that you are a super wonderful person. And I feel fortunate to be married to you."